Active, an experiment underway. I am considering that everything, at most is an experiment and so scientific procedures are engrained. I am not in control of anything, maybe besides my attitude. The world is not pushing and pulling me along the tides of daily life–I am an active participant.

Variables are present and a hypothesis is just that, a hypothesis. Not fact or fiction and based on observations, in response to a question.

Open. The sign at my [metaphorical] door reads. Ready for new ideas, ways of being, and methods of execution. I am both the master and well… you know the rest. I stand before the audience in protective gear; In front, a mirror, ready and armed with a slew of chemicals and a flexible modus operandi. No instructions at hand, the greatest performance, LIVE.

I forgot how it felt to be a grenade. The word I am looking for is angry, not over contextualized into irritability or hate but at its raw state. I still reference the Feelings Wheel, puzzle pieces that pinpoint the exact emotion I am trying to describe. The colors help. In the time this habit has formed, I realize what I seek are “bigger” words to describe 6 basic emotions: anger, sadness, surprise, love, joy, and fear. I know better, keep it simple. Memorize the small handful and go from there; I feel _______. Rinse and repeat, pick from the six.

Putting emotions into words is hard to grasp. I lean apathetic, expressionless. It takes a while for what I see to reach the part of my brain that understands how to express how I feel. I tend to experiment with the right words and none of them fit. So… I name non-emotions. I feel scared, which is not an emotion. The same fear isn’t there when I toss around symbols, <3 for my love.

Close. “How do you feel?” There goes my heart, my mind is racing. Ok. Okay. You got this! How do I feel, how-do-I-feel. Maybe if I say it slower an answer will materialize. H-how do I answer this: ‘Great’, that’s a good choice, but do I feel great? ‘What does that even mean?’ Okay, ok, Oh-kay, the clock is ticking. I feel something; I must feel something, deep down. Let’s look for it… ‘How do you feel?’ Hungry? I just ate, also not an emotion. Tired, also not an emotion. Okay so a lot of what I feel, are not “emotions”.

“I am great.” That’s not a lie and I feel perplexed. I mean surprised, there’s room to learn.